Coping with Bereavement & Grief
We experience bereavement and grief upon losing our connection to an important person in our lives. The experience of grief is part of the way “we are made” (a normal, universal of the human condition). Bereavement is a highly individual process with great variation among people. There is no timetable or “right way” to grieve. The death may promote a sense of personal vulnerability and presents the challenges of undesired change. Grief may encompass a wide range of feelings including sadness, depression, anger, guilt, anxiety, insomnia, disorientation, hope, and acceptance. Depending upon the particulars of the loss and one’s beliefs and culture, the experience may be an opportunity for learning personal lessons, adapting to change, growing spiritually, clarifying values, and engaging life with new reasons for living (“meaning”). Bereavement is difficult in our US society (desensitization, youth culture, decline of rituals, denial).
The “normal” range of feelings (waxing and waning) include: common stress responses plus Shock and numbness.
Expressions of emotion, including feeling their presence.
Feelings of depression and loneliness; despair.
Possible experience of physical symptoms, including poor sleep.
Panicky feelings, helplessness, and lack of control.
Feelings of guilt.
Possible feelings of resentment, anger, hostility, and injustice.
Inability to resume usual activities.
Gradual emergence of hope.
Struggle to readjust to reality; dis-illusionment, dis-orientation, dis-enchantment.
Distinguish from depression = “pathological, chronic, or morbid grief reactions” or “prolonged grief disorder”
The Emotional Trajectory of Bereavement: Durations of mourning vary widely; No schedule; yet often people feel relief of intense sadness after ~ 1 yr. Folks have wide variation in mourning patterns & behaviors.
Connecting behaviors: gathering mementos of the person, visiting the cemetery and talking to them, thinking about them, talking with friends about them.
Disconnecting behaviors: getting on with life; creating a worthwhile life without the individual; being active and involved;
Conflicting patterns of mourning (e.g., bereaved parents after the loss of a child with connecting vs. disconnecting patterns)
STAGES: (Not proven; theoretical constructs)
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance (Kubler-Ross)
Disbelief and denial, sadness and anger, acceptance
Numbing, yearning & searching for the loss, disorganization and despair, reorganization (Bowlby)
Discovering what is lost & coping with that, discovering what is left, finding what is possible as a consequence (Schneider)
Four Tasks of Grieving (William Worden):
Task I: To Accept the Reality of the Loss
Task II: To Process the Pain of Grief
Task III: To Adjust to a World Without the Deceased
Task IV: To Find an Enduring Connection With the Deceased in the Midst of Embarking on a New Life
Complications and potential risks:
Threatening our secure perimeters and personal vulnerability
Loss of not only the relationship & the person, but also our unique shared experience & future possibilities
Prior early losses - Widows and widowers < 70 y.o. ; people who blame themselves or unable to forgive themselves, self-talk with persistent self-pity and wallowing; untimely deaths (children), deaths sudden or unexpected, violence or suicide; not having a chance to say good-bye and make amends (“unfinished business”);
Stories & metaphors: (from Dr. Daniel E. Shapiro- Univ. of Arizona)
“You cannot prevent the doves of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.” ~ Chinese Proverb
The story of the wealthy man who has an ill son. He changes from his luxurious clothing to a sackcloth and fasts instead of eating. He hires the finest doctors to attend to his son, and he waits. Seven days later, the son dies. The wealthy man changes from his sackcloth to attend to his fine clothing again and prepares a huge feast and invites everyone to attend. When his friends ask him how he can eat when his child is still warm, he says he did everything he could when his son was alive but now his son is gone. Now it is time to pick up the pieces and return to the living. The man was King David.
Death as a mirror to the entire meaning of life
Making sense and meaning of one’s loss; Encountering Life’s Limitations
A new understanding of one’s own mortality & limited time; “built in” expiration dates
"Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have.
“It is later than you think.” - Horace (Ancient Roman Poet. 65 BC-8 BC)Clarify values and reorganize priorities
Finding new reasons for living, purpose, a why, and hope; (Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning
Meaningfulness- refers to moments when you feel most alive and connected to existence ; “life as a gift”;
Living to one’s full potential; Contributing to and affirming life; Life as a Legacy
Signs of successful, healthy resolution include:
The person is able to talk about and refer to the loss appropriately.
The person develops appropriate new patterns of life and activities. (transition to the new reality)
The person is able to give new meaning to life & has established new reasons for living and affirming life.
The person is no longer troubled by unfinished business nor unexpressed feelings concerning the loss.
The person has not forgotten their loss and may experience times of sadness but these occasions (especially anniversaries or significant locations and things which trigger memories) are tolerable, understandable, or even welcomed as indications of valuing that which has gone.
Questions for further reflection:
A) How did you learn about the death?
What was your reaction to the news at the time?
How did your feelings change over time?
What was the most troubling part of this experience for you?
How did others in your life respond to your reactions?
B) What were your reaction and your experience of this passing?
How did you make sense of the death?
How has this experience affected your sense of priorities?
Are there any helpful steps that you could take now that would be healing?
C) How can I (and we) honor the memory of this event?
(a cherished memory, a shared experience, a quality admired)
Are there some ways that the organization could be more helpful?
